Eavesdropping

Some of my favorites from Overheard in New York:

Girl #1: Did you hook up with Josh last weekend?
Girl #2: Yeah, we got really drunk and I blew him and we did anal. I dunno if I want to lose my virginity with him, though.
—86th St, Bay Ridge 

Thug handing 20-dollar bill to clerk: Be careful! Let it dry — I just made that.

–Deli, 137th & Broadway

Thug on cell: I don’t know where I was, but they’s Germans everywhere in this hood! They on my left, right. Damn! [Looks around anxiously] Now I know how Patton felt, son!

–14th & Driggs  

Mother: Don’t you ever do that again! [slaps child hard]

Child, calmly: Well, are you happy with yourself?

–Union Square

Man: I just don’t get it! Just last night you were complaining about how you never try anything new, but you feel like you should.
Woman: Ok, well ordering the roast duck is a little different than a threesome, Tim.

–13th & 3rd

God Squad lady: Praise Jesus! You won’t be saved without Jesus! You have to start believing in Jesus to be saved! Jesus will always be there for you!

Suit #1: Would it be so awful if we pushed her out when the doors open?
Suit #2: No. Jesus will save her.

–4 train

Older woman: Excuse me, miss?

Younger woman: Yeah?

Older woman: Your veil, your burqa is very beautiful. I didn’t know your people were allowed to wear it in bright colors.

Younger woman: It’s not a burqa, it’s a poncho. I’m Jewish. It’s for the rain. I got it at TJ Maxx.

–53rd & 7th

Guy, staring at girl: You look like someone I know.

Girl: It’s me.

Guy: Oh, hi Alexis. You look different at eight in the morning.

–C train

Girl #1: I’m funny.

Girl #2: No you’re not.

Girl #1: Yes I am. Everyone says I’m hilarious.

Girl #2: Of course they do. That’s because you aren’t pretty.

–Virgin, Union Square

Chick: Omigod, I totally want an Asian baby. Asians make the best mixers. Like vodka.

–49th & 10th

Wannabe cartographer: There are two Washington DCs. One is in the upper corner of the map, and the other is like forty-five minutes away from Maryland.

–Wall Street

Student: Now I don’t know if this is something I thought of or if Satan said it.

Professor: Actually I said it last class.

–Columbia lit class

Drunk ponytailed guy: So, like what’s our situation?

Girl: Ummm, what do you mean?

Drunk ponytailed guy: Like do you … want me to come up?

Girl: What part of your ponytail makes you think I’d go home with you tonight?

–Bleecker & MacDougal

Guy #1: Shut up! Why are you so obsessed with sombreros? Every time I talk to you it’s sombreros, sombreros, sombreros!

Guy #2: Isn’t this, like, the first time we’ve ever talked?

Guy #1: Yeah, and it’s about sombreros, isn’t it?

–NYU

Bus driver on intercom as it starts to rain: You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are grey… C’mon, everybody!

Entire bus, singing: You’ll never know, dear, how much I love you — please don’t take my sunshine away.

Chick: I think that was the least-New York moment of my entire life.

–M79 bus

Mom to screaming child: Shut the f*** up!

Man: Yeah, keep telling your kid ‘Shut the f*** up’ so he can grow up and steal my car someday.

–6 train

Conductor: If you do not step away from the doors the train will keep sitting here, you will not get where you are going, and I will still get paid.

–S train

Mom: What are those?

Daughter: Sour Patch Kids.

Mom: Can I have one?

Daughter: No.

Mom: Why not?

Daughter: I paid for them.

Mom: And I gave you life. Now give me one.

–Near NYU

Blonde: So, where is she from?

Friend: Croatia.

Blonde: Where’s that?

Friend: It’s, like, by Italy.

Blonde: Ohhh, like Czechoslovakia.

Friend: No, Croatia. Near Bosnia and Serbia.

Blonde: Oh, so it’s like Russia.

Thug: Croatia, bitch! Former Yugoslavia! Remember, they had a civil war and broke up into five countries?

Blonde: [Stares blankly.]

Thug: Jesus Christ, study a f***in’ map. Even Tara Reid knows where it is.

–6 train

The subway doors open. A hobo enters, holding a bottle of windex in one hand and a tube of toothpaste in the other.

Hobo: Which is the better time to read Dostyevsky? Winter?

He sprays the windex.

Hobo: Or Spring?

He squeezes toothpaste out of the tube.

Japanese girl: Spring!

Hobo: You are correct.

–F train

Chick: How come we’re always talking about how the Jews were persecuted? Lots of people have been persecuted. My people have been persecuted, too.

Professor guy: Um…This is “Introduction to Jewish-American Literature”.

Chick: …Yeah, but still.

–Waverly Building, Waverly Place

Jappy girl #1: So like, I couldn’t believe what happened to Erica*, but like, I think she’ll be ok. I mean, she’s gonna marry some guy who went to Penn instead of some guy who went to Princeton, and she’ll have a country house in South Hampton instead of like, East Hampton, but I think she’ll be ok.

Jappy girl #2: Oh yeah, I think she can handle it.

Jappy girl #1: Poor thing.

–The Dalton School

Tourist mom: Excuse me, miss, do you know how to get back to Manhattan?

Hipster girl: I’m sorry, I don’t really have the energy to give you fake directions right now.

–Brooklyn-bound F train

Hobo to man running for the train: You better run faster! That’s the last train in the world!

–W 4th Street A/C/E platform

Black woman: Move, nigga! Shit, if Kramer can say it…

–Whole Foods, Union Square

Father: Come on, hurry your ass up, nigga. I mean… Hurry up… son.

–50th & Broadway

Hobo: I will tell you the rules of being a goddamn New Yorker: one — when you see a suspicious package, do not fucking tell anyone. If it has money in it, well, then you can take the money, but it probably doesn’t, so don’t say anything! Also, when you are in the city, do not refer to Sixth Avenue as ‘Avenue of the Americas’ unless you wish to sound like a complete moron!

–Brooklyn-bound F train

Pilot: We’re on our way to New York where the weather is cold and icy, just like my prom date back in high school.

–Jet Blue flight 114 from Ft. Lauderdale to JFK

Guy: Did you try rebooting?

Chick: Of course.

Guy: Because that’s the first thing you should try doing when you–

Chick: –Look, half the guys I’ve dated have been in tech support. I’ve picked up a hell of a lot more than just VD. I know about rebooting.

–NYU

Yuppie: You know, that’s a very expensive beer you’re not drinking.

Girlfriend: Can’t we have one night where you don’t quote American Psycho?

Yuppie: Oh, he bought her Chardonnay. Don’t worry, I’m not a Chardonnay guy.

Girlfriend: Whatever. Just don’t nail-gun me in my sleep tonight. Again.

–Iggy’s on Rivington

Technician: It will cost a hundred and fifty dollars to have our technicians look at it.

Girl with computer problem: A hundred and fifty dollars?! No way. I’d rather spend that on alcohol.

–Apple Store Genius Bar

Fashionista gets off elevator, bumping into guys on her way out.

Balding Greek guy: You know what she needs? A good dick up the ass, that’s what she needs!

Black guy: That’s what all them bitches need.

–1407 Broadway

Hobo #1: Bitches is crazy, crazy. Had no choice but to fuck that squirrel.

Hobo #2: Nooo, nooo.

Hobo #1: Yup, yup. That squirrel was worth five cents.

Hobo #2: Nooo, I’ll tell you how much that squirrel was worth. $15.98.

–St. Johns Pl, Park Slope

Hobo: I want to cum on your face.

Young woman: Uhhh… Well, at least he’s being up-front — putting all the cards on the table. I guess I respect that.

–27th & 10th

Old, disgruntled customer: I wish I was young again.

Cashier: Do you believe in reincarnation? You could just kill yourself.

–Deli, Lex Ave, between 38th & 39th

Student: Didn’t the ancient Romans also eat lying down?

Professor: Yes.

Student: That’s really bad for your digestion.

Professor: Well, it was good for having sex with the hired help after.

–Bard High School Early College

Young boy #1: Today is the day your mother birthed you and you only got five dollars?

Young boy #2: We got troubles.

–Prospect Heights

Buddhist: Excuse me, sir, are you a New Yorker?

Obvious New Yorker: Go fuck yourself!

–Union Square

NYU student: So, I think I’m just going to tell my girlfriend, ‘You know, I’ve been going to the gym a lot, working out, watching what I eat, and I think you should, too.’

Friend, as all receptionists stare: Yeah, no — you really can’t say that.

–Palladium Gym, NYU

Wannabe thug on cell to girlfriend: Look, I gotta be single. All I wanna do is get money, stay fresh, dress fly, and fuck bitches.

–Penn Station

Chick: I can’t believe you can talk about how much you love your country, and you don’t even pay taxes!

Dude: I’ve paid more taxes than you’ve sucked dick. Which is a lot.

Chick, after long pause: I don’t know why you’re walking so fast — nothing’s happening when we get to your apartment.

–4th St & the Bowery

Teen thug #1: You met her in rehab? Son, you was only there three days…!

Teen thug #2: Yo, but check this out — she’s 35!

Teen thug #1: Son, she gonna drop yo’ ass when she finds out how old you are!

Teen thug #2: I already told her.

Teen thug #1, after long pause: Shit, then she a pedophile, son!

–F train

Girlfriend: Ugh, I have the worst taste in my mouth.

Boyfriend: That’s ’cause you’re a whore.

Girlfriend: … I don’t get it.

Boyfriend: Your mouth tastes bad ’cause you suck too much cock.

Girlfriend: Oh my god! You’re such an asshole!

Boyfriend: I love you, baby.

–Shea Stadium

Late twenties girl: Were you part of that food fight Friday night?

Early thirties guy: Yeah, I got hit with a buttered roll. Someone actually buttered the roll before they threw it.

–6 train

Chick: I had such a hard time when I lived here. People were always calling me a slut. Always, always, always, always.

Guy standing next to her: Yeah?

–Outside the W Hotel, 17th & Park

Ghetto chick: Excuse me! Excuse me! What’s the name of the towers that got knocked down?

Incredulous passerby: Umm . . . The World Trade Center.

Ghetto chick to thug boyfriend: See! I told you it wasn’t none of that twin towers. You thinking of Lord of the Rings.

–Vesey St

School child #1: Yo, Tupac is still alive.

School child #2: Yeah, I heard that, too. I heard he’s strippin’. He’s a stripper in LA.

A small child with them gets off train.

Old woman: Get back on the train! [Small child gives her the finger with both hands and runs away.]

School child #1: Yo, who is that kid?

School child #2: I don’t know. I saw him in the bathroom. He was takin’ a shit and he came out and smiled at me… And that’s how I know him.

–G train

Suit: I don’t know why people still aren’t over the Nazis. They’re really sorry.

–Park Slope

Teen girl #1: Yeah, so John totally wants me to give him head even though I barely know him and we’ve never even hooked up.

Teen girl #2: That’s so weird.

Teen girl #1: I know! It’d be such a slutty thing to do. And I’ve never even given a blowjob before.

Teen girl #2: Yeah, totally.

Teen girl #1: Then again, I feel like giving head is something I should do before I turn 16.

Teen girl #2: Good point.

Teen girl #1: So I’m totally going to do it.

Teen girl #2: Awesome, I can give you tips!

–Metro-North

Girl: Honey, are you listening to me?

Guy: No, I was thinking about putting my dick in your mouth.

Girl: Oh.

–Central Park

Little sis: I don’t know. I’m just really confused. Like, how am I supposed to know what I want in a guy? You know? Like, what’s your perfect guy?

Big sis: One with 6 weeks to live.

Little sis: Huh?

Big sis: Nevermind… God, that would be great, though.

–1 train platform, 23rd St

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