Eavesdropping

Some favorites from Overhead In New York:

Chick: She’s gonna have to run here… It closes at eight.

Meathead: Oh, but that bitch can run! I saw her running for birth control one time, and she fucking ran faster than me.

–Kimmel Cafeteria, NYU

Conductor: Please sit up.

Bag lady lying across several seats, staring at lights: Why won’t everyone leave me alone? [Begins loud, incoherent screaming.]

Conductor, backing away slowly: Okay, never mind.

Bag lady, to passenger: So, I tied him up. I gave him a Viagra, and I rode him for seven hours. And that’s why I look like this.

–A train

Black guy: Yeah, Superman — he hangs out around 42nd Street. He might go uptown every once in a while, but you never see his ass in Brooklyn. That’s ridiculous — Superman can not be killed by bullets, and he still won’t come to Brooklyn.

Black lady: You’re right. What about Batman?

Black guy: Oh, he probably has to come through Brooklyn — you know, that brother lives out on Long Island.

Black lady: He probably comes through Brooklyn, but you know he’s not getting out of that Batmobile.

Black guy: I’m sure he’s damn careful when he stops, too. Those are some ballin’ rims he’s got on that whip. If he ever parked, them shits would definitely get stolen!

–3 train

Party girl, looking at police on horses: I want to take a horse to the Upper East Side!

Jock: You’re going to the Upper East Side? Want to share a cab?

Party girl: Sure.

Jock: Want to fuck?

Party girl: Sure.

–21st & 6th

Chick #1: You know how people will, like, tell their parents a bunch of really horrible lies to make whatever they need to tell them seem not as bad?

Chick #2: Yeah…

Chick #1: I think that’s what I’m gonna do.

Chick #2: What’s worse than getting pregnant, dropping out of school, and moving to Jersey?

–3 train

Barista: Sir, you can pay for the juice over there.

Middle-aged Brit: But I bought it.

Barista: No you didn’t.

Middle-aged Brit: Yes, I did — at another place.

Barista: Yeah, oookay [rolls eyes].

Middle-aged Brit: I really did.

Barista: Yeah, oookay.

Middle-aged Brit: What the fuck is your problem?

Barista: Well, you just stole juice, and you’re being an ass, so you can leave now.

Middle-aged Brit: Excuse–

Old lady Brit: –Alexander, just stop talking! He could shoot you!

–Starbucks, Fashion District

Teacher: Does anyone know what ‘condemned’ means? Okay, let me give you an example: The Jews condemned Jesus. [Everyone looks at only Jewish student in class, who then glares at the teacher.] Oh, I’m so sorry!

–Notre Dame Academy, Staten Island

Ghetto chick: … And then I got caught on a gun charge because my boyfriend pistol-whipped me when I was pregnant and I took the gun and chased him down the street with it. And you know that drug bust in far Rockaway last year? That shit was me! Haha… And my lawyer got me five years probation and now jail time — he took care of me, ya know? And he was a Jew… You know them Jews — all into they money and shit.

–E train

Man, about freestyling partner: He was like the Mexican version of 50 Cent, ‘cept his name was 537 pesos, and he don’t need no gun — all he gots is his burrito and a hot dog.

–D train, from Coney Island

Man on cell: I don’t know! He just called me up and said that I owe him 50 grand and that he’s coming to kill me… Yeah, I told him I have no idea what he’s talking about, but he said he’s coming to kill me anyway.

–77th & Broadway

British mum to eight-year-old son: Bobby, stop looking at the bloody NASDAQ.

–Outside Toys ‘R’ Us

Dad to baby in stroller: Did you know that the price of copper is becoming irrelevant?!

–31st & Ditmars, Astoria

Fan to Beyoncé: Yo, Beyoncé, baby — they is childrens starvin’ in Bolivia! Why don’t you give ’em some o’ dat be-hin’?!

–Outside MTV studios

Hobo #1: Hey, that cell phone you sold me — that’s a crackhead cell phone! I want my money back! You sold me a crackhead phone!

Hobo #2: What do you expect? I’m a crackhead.

–Madison Square Park

20-ish man: So, I used to use the laundry on Driggs, but that place is dirty. Two weeks ago I started coming here–

30-ish woman: –I don’t give a shit. I just wanna have sex with you before I gotta get the kids and my husband comes home.

20-ish man: Okay.

–Greenpoint, Brooklyn

Girl #1: Anyhow, I kept telling him no, but he did. Then this morning I realized that I was raped.

Girl #2: Oh my god…

Girl #1: Yeah, but it was the best sex I ever had. But I didn’t want it.

–B train

30-ish investment banker on cell: She had so much makeup on her face she looked like she had just blown 20 clowns.

–44th & Park

Black guy: Here, this is for you, man, ’cause you look like Jesus.

Homeless guy: I thought Jesus was black!

Black guy, coming back: For that, my man, you get a dollar.

–55th & Broadway

Old guy browsing power tools: What about a bomb?

Buddy: A bomb? … We already talked about that.

–Home Depot, 23rd St

Yuppie lady boasting about son: He graduated summa cum laude from Villanova!

Cashier: Vee-la-no-va? Is that in New York?

Yuppie lady: No, it’s in–

Cashier, interrupting: –Yeah, then I don’t care.

–Clothing store, 54th & 5th

Boy pushing friend toward bathroom: Hurry! Empty your gizzard!

Girl: You mean my uterus?

–Brooklyn Tech High School

Lady: Sir, this woman is very pregnant. Please give her your seat.

Fat man: Yeah, well, I’m very fat, and that’s basically the same thing.

–4 train

Biotech #1: Jersey girls ain’t trash — trash gets picked up!

Biotech #2: Hahaha!

NJ girl passerby, defensively: I get picked up!

–Penn Station

Six-year-old girl to mom: … And the entire neighborhood was staring at us!

Four-year-old sister: Even God! And he was still alive!

–Joralemon St & Garden Pl, Brooklyn Heights

Male business student: Hey! Why the long face?

Female business student on crutches: Oh, just everything lately.

Male business student: Oh. Well, see ya later!

–115th & Amsterdam

Teen #1: Can I have a piece of gum? My mouth tastes weird.

Teen #2: Dude, you can’t eat Jesus and expect it to taste good.

–Cathedral of St. John the Divine

Chick #1: Thanks, bitch.

Chick #2: I’m obsessed with you!

Chick #1: A restraining order couldn’t stop my love.

–Canal St, Chinatown

Woman: You won’t take a fifty? Why won’t you take a fifty? This is outrageous! You don’t have a checker pen? You just check it with a checker pen! You need to get a checker pen. Oh my god, I can’t believe this is happening!

Counter chick: It’s company policy, we can’t take fifties. Nothing bigger than a twenty. But this drink is on the house.

Woman: I don’t want it on the house! I want to pay!

Counter chick: Don’t worry about it. It’s on the house. You don’t have to pay.

Woman: Well, this is the craziest thing I ever heard! You won’t let me pay! This is my husband’s fault! He owns a nightclub and he won’t give me a credit card. All he gives me is cash from the till! All I have is fifties and hundreds! I have a whole purse full of them! And you won’t let me pay! I feel like I’m homeless or something! Oh my god, this is so embarrassing.

–Jamba Juice, 5th & 23rd

Mom: Honey, you better behave while you stay at Daddy’s house this weekend.

Five-year-old boy: If he doesn’t buy me a new toy, I’m going to slice his sausage open!

–Canal St

Girl #1: Ewww! That doughnut looks like it’s covered in cum.

Girl #2: Mmm… If cum tasted like this I would give head everyday… I wish I tasted like this.

Girl #1: Word.

–Park Slope

Desperate wannabe bridezilla: Let me ask you a question — if you’re at a wedding and the bride throws the bouquet directly to you instead of to the whole crowd, does it still count?

Friend: I don’t think any of it really counts.

Passerby: Way to kill the mood.

–Elevator, 11th & University

Girl: Why don’t you just make a list of all the girls you want to fuck and their qualities for me, so I can take notes?

Boy: … Like, bullet points, or can I use full sentences?

–Brooklyn-bound L train

Weird girl: Did you bring the scepter?

Weird boy: No, I forgot.

Weird girl: That’s the second time!

Weird boy: I know, I’m sorry! I got the Tetris theme song stuck in my head again!

–D train

Asian girl, after falling down: Ouch! My knee!

Suit: That is the hottest thing I’ve seen all week.

–45th & 3rd

Little girl: Mommy, can I have ice cream?

Mom: No! Not until you finish your McDonald’s. Then you can have that ice cream.

–Atlantic Center

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