From Overheard In New York…

Tourist lady: Where’s the ladies’ room?
Waiter: Top of the stairs on the left.
Tourist lady: I was just up there. It’s not marked for ladies, so I was afraid to use it.
Waiter: It’s a unisex.
Tourist lady: Excuse me?
Waiter: It’s for everyone. Men and women.
Tourist lady: You’re all going to hell. Do you know that?

–Bar 89, Mercer St
Girl: So, do you know anything about the Holocaust?
Roommate: Like what?
Girl: I don’t know — like, fun facts or something?

–Dorm, Columbia
Coworker #1: Is it just me, or are the rats in New York getting smaller? Seriously!
Coworker #2: Maybe you’re just getting bigger.

–D train platform, Rockefeller Center
Asian mom to child in stroller: You feel trapped? Well, so do I. Now you know how I feel.

–51st & 3rd
JAP on cell: I mean, the one thing I hate more than communism is arts and crafts!

Yuppie to toddler sitting on friend’s lap: … And the benefit of wearing Nike clothing is that it’s made by children not much older than you.

–Central Park
Teen: So, this one time I got kicked out of Barnes and Noble for moving all the Bibles to the ‘Fiction’ section…

–74th & Columbus
Customer to cashier: Can I have a job application, please?
Cashier to manager: I need a job application for this guy.
Manager: Why in the hell would you want to work here? I’m trying to quit!

–McDonald’s, Queens College
Woman on cell: I mean, my God — do I look like I’ve had children?
Suit passerby: Yes.

–53rd & Lex
Sketchy dude #1: So, what you do is you buy crack, and then you tell the cops where you got the crack, and then you get to keep the crack!
Sketchy dude #2: And what’s that called again?
Sketchy dude #1: Court informer.
Sketchy dude #2: Yeah, court informer. I’m gonna be that!

–A train
Office woman: So, what is Matt up to these days?
Delivery man: He just got a job as a fudge packer.
Office woman: Oh, that sounds exciting! Tell him I said hello!

–23rd & Park
Hobo yelling to college couple: Hey, bro! Hit that pussy tonight, bro!
Another male passerby: Yeah — better do what the man says!

–114th & Broadway
Lawyer at deposition: What is your native language?
West Indian woman, offended: English!
Lawyer: Lady, you must speak some other language, because I’ve been questioning you for an hour and I haven’t understood a goddamn word you said.

–Supreme Court, 360 Adams St, Brooklyn
Chick #1 on cell: I mean, have you ever shaved your pussy and then a couple of nights later you can’t sleep because it itches so bad?
Chick #2: Um, hello, we can all hear you.
Chick #1 to #2: Well, has it ever happened to you?
Chick #2: Well, yeah, but I don’t tell the whole subway.

–F train
Guy #1: I’ve been playing the guitar for years.
Guy #2: You play guitar like Bette Midler has sex.
Guy #1: Fuck you.

–86th & Lex platform
45-year-old man: … And since I’m on my way to a business meeting, this drink I just bought you is tax deductible.
College girl: Well, that’s nice, I guess.
45-year-old man: Yeah, you’ve got a big butt and you’re tax deductible. That’s how I like them.

–Coffee Shop Bar, 14th St
Smoker chick: I lose lighters like I lose men.

–Central Park

Boy staring at dinosaur fossil: Dude, these animals died a lot.
Friend: Word.

–Museum of Natural History
Hipster girl #1: I was blowing him and it was taking, like, 20 minutes, so I finally told him to hurry up since my jaw was hurting.
Hipster girl #2: I hate that! How can they take that long to just finish?
Suit nearby: If you would do it right, it would only take two minutes.

–2 train
Hoochie #1: Wait, he has a kid?
Hoochie #2: Yeah! Crazy, right?
Hoochie #1: So, are you going to be a step-mommy?
Hoochie #2: No, no, no… Not a step-mommy. I’m the slutty, hot, 25-year-old that fucks Daddy.

–Astor Pl
Chick: So, today I went to the doctor, and in the waiting room there was this gay guy who told me he liked my Steve Maddens. [Three guys across from her stare blankly.] Oh my god, I’m eating dinner with three straight men.

–Restaurant, 6th Ave
Woman passerby: Come on, you fucking tourists! Get a life! It’s only a fucking cupcake!
Girl in line, mockingly: Oh my god, you’re making such an important social statement!
Old lady in line: Seriously, it’s not our fault she’s a fat bitch.

–Magnolia Bakery, Bleecker St
D.A.R.E. volunteer: Sir, before you leave, would you please–
Rushing guy, interrupting: –Do I look like I just say no to drugs?
D.A.R.E. volunteer: We don’t pre-judge people.

–Outside Marshalls, Atlantic Center, Brooklyn
Chick #1: Hey, you ever been with a guy and then his mom calls, and he, like, picks up?
Chick #2: You mean during sex?!
Chick #1: Yeah.
Chick #2: Hell no!
Chick #1: So, you’ve never been with a Jewish guy, then?
Girl #1: So, now I’m going to need a new roommate, I think.
Girl #2: Wait… Let me get this straight — you walk in, she’s on the bed, nude, rolling around on a bunch of pearls?
Girl #1: Yeah. Our jewelry had just arrived from ShangBy, and I guess she got excited… Want a pearl necklace?

–58th & 5th
Girl #1: Are any of our friends not in therapy?
Girl #2: Yeah, Jeanie isn’t.
Girl #1: But that’s ’cause she can’t afford it.
Girl #3: Jeanie’s not rich?
Girl #1: No.

–Cupcake Café, 9th Ave
Hobo: Hey, kids, read a book, stay in school, and don’t do drugs!
Woman: Come on, kids, don’t talk to strange, crazy people. What did I tell you about that?! [To hobo, who looks insulted] It’s nothing personal — I just don’t want them to, like, get kidnapped or something, you know?
Hobo: Oh… Oh, um, yeah, I understand… [When woman’s out of earshot] Bitch.

–7th Ave & Garfield, Park Slope

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