Overheard in NYC…

Cafeteria lady: So, you been good this weekend?
Frat boy: No! Me and my girlfriend got totally shit-faced!
Cafeteria lady: ‘My girlfriend and I.’
Frat boy: What?
Cafeteria lady: ‘My girlfriend and I got totally shit-faced.’
Frat boy: Whoa! You have a girlfriend?! Hardcore!


Girl: Yeah, so me and Ronnie broke it off.
Guy: Really? Why?
Girl: Well, remember that girl, Nene? Yeah, she was like 14 or something, and he was fucking her.
Guy: And how old is he?
Girl: Twenty-one. You know what? I’m just done dating child molesters — been there, done that.

–R train, 57th St

Girl: I’ll have a dozen bagels.
Bagel guy: I can’t pass up on this opportunity. I have to tell you that you’re really cute.
Girl: [Blushes.]
Bagel guy: Do you know what the difference between cute and not cute is?
Girl: … Nooo, what?
Bagel guy: Three bagels. [Hands girl 15 bagels.]

–Jumbo Bagels, 57th & 2nd

Waiter: We do have a great selection of cocktails.
Customer: That just makes me feel queer.

–Max Brenner’s, 14th & Broadway

Customer: I need cigarettes.
Cashier, pleasantly: How would you like to kill yourself?
Customer, expressionless: Newports.
Cashier: Here you go.

–CVS, 25th & 6th

Girl: It’s not that I’m such a slut–
Guy, interrupting: –But I would be happy for you if you were.
Girl: You’d be happy for me if I were a slut?
Guy: Yes.
Girl: Me, too.

–27th & 3rd

Queer: So, I was on a date with this guy, Christian — like the religion — the other night, and we had a nice hug and kiss goodbye. Then he went down into the PATH train. Right after he left, my phone started ringing and it said Christian was calling, and I was like, ‘What? How’s he calling me?’ And then I realized it was Cristian, C-R-I-S-T-I-A-N, this other guy I hooked up with a few months ago. So I answered and we ended up hooking up again that night… So, I had two Christians in one night. If this were ancient Rome, I’d be the lion in the Colosseum.

-Posh bar

Middle-aged black lady: Those are some nice pants.
Latino dude: Yeah, I’m buying it for Jack’s* wedding tomorrow.
Middle-aged black lady: Didn’t he just get out of high school?
Latino dude: Well, he’s 22 now. He’s marrying his old Health teacher. She’s 28.
Middle-aged black lady: He… He was her student?
Latino dude: Yeah! The first day of class she kicked him out because he was being an asshole. He was like, ‘Suck this dick and lick these balls, biotch!’
Middle-aged black lady: Well, I guess she took his advice.
Latino dude: Yeah. Life’s funny like that…


Middle-aged white lady: What are you trying to do? You are so rude! I can’t believe you! I am going to get you fired!
Clerk: [Silence.]
Middle-aged white lady, to entire line: Can you believe these people? They are so rude! I can’t believe they are trying to short me my coffee! It’s unbelievable!
Young black man: Stop being so white.
–Dunkin’ Donuts, Atlantic & 4th, Brooklyn

White guy, about pretty black chick passerby: Yo, why do black girls always look at you but not me?
Black guy: Same reason why you piss close to the urinal and I gotta stand a foot away.

–35th & 6th

Ghetto chick #1: When I have kids I’m going to beat them.
Ghetto chick #2: Yeah, my mama and daddy beat me, and it showed me right.
Ghetto chick #1: Me, too. I came out fine.
Ghetto chick #2: You know what happens when you don’t beat your kids? Columbine.

–Pace University, Spruce St

 Black woman to tanning salon flyer guy soliciting her: Nigga, you be blind!

–W 4th St & 6th Ave

Blonde: Don’t you think getting fucked by Harry Potter’s wand would be hot, because it’s like an extension of himself?
Butch girl: Oh my god, I’ve been thinking about wand-fucking for like six months!
–Bethune & Greenwich

Teen boy: Do you ever wonder, like, if you die, what will happen to your MySpace and your Internet stuff?
Teen girl: Yeah. You have my password, right? Promise me you’ll go on and approve the good comments?

-N train, Brooklyn

Skinny model girl #1: Why is that line to the bathroom so long when no one is on that other line? Is the bathroom out of order?
Skinny model girl #2: Oh… Well, this bathroom has a table… So it’s easier to do coke. But if you just have to pee, use the other one.
Skinny model girl #1: Oh, no, I’ll just wait, then. Thanks.


Smoker girl: We should do a wine power-hour tonight.
Friend: A wine power-hour is a bad idea. I lost my virginity after a wine power-ten minutes.
-83rd & 1st

Six-year-old girl, grabbing a Bud Light: Daddy, can I get this?
Four-year-old sister: Yeah, can I have one too, Daddy?
Dad: Not right now, but if you two are good, I’ll get you a keg later.
Mom: I’d be down for that.

–Penn Station

Student: I think social deviance is relative.
Professor: That’s a good theory. Explain it.
Student: Well, if you’re a New Yorker and a stranger goes up to you and says hi, you’d be like, ‘Why the hell are you talking to me?’ But if you’re from California, you’d be like, ‘Oh, hey, this stranger is saying hi to me!’
Professor: That’s because everyone in California is perpetually on crack.

–Sociology, Fordham University

Guidette to friend: Like, I’m a really good friend, y’know, because I like to listen to people. Like, so many people aren’t good friends because they don’t wanna listen, but I listen to people, y’know?
Friend: Really, it’s like–
Guidette, cutting her off: –I know, some people just don’t listen, but I’m such a good friend because I love listening, and I’m a good listener…

–Lexington Ave station

One response to “Eavesdropping…

  1. Those are always pricelessly funny.

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